


World’s Greatest Dad

by cresselia8themoon



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Father-Daughter Relationship, Featuring Seven Year Old Vanessa, Gen, Heinz is a Good Dad, Not perfect but he's trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-08-21 08:06:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16572785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresselia8themoon/pseuds/cresselia8themoon
Summary: “Remember how you said if I got you a little Mary McGuffin doll, I’d be the world’s greatest dad?”“Yeah, when I was like, seven….”An incident at school leaves Vanessa with a question. Heinz doesn't know if he has an answer.





	1. Questions and Hot Chocolate

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about this quote the other night, and it occurred to me that the PnF fandom doesn’t have a lot of stories that involve a younger Vanessa. They’re out there, I remember there was one fanfic that had Vanessa and Heinz visiting Roger on Halloween night and she was dressed like a black cat. And if anyone recalls Emergency Procedures by Sage of Mudora, there was a certain flashback where you don’t know true seething hatred for Heinz’s sperm and egg donors until you’ve read it.
> 
> Anyway, the episode Finding Mary McGuffin gave me the inspiration for this fic. I’ve been wanting to write a young Vanessa story for a while now. Hope you enjoy!

Ads blared on the television, filling the penthouse with saccharine, overly cheery songs about family and all the hot items on sale this holiday season. Heinz knew he was going to get Jingle Bells stuck in his head again, but he was too preoccupied with cleaning to care. He debated breaking out the Vacuum-inator to speed things along, but that particular creation tended to be unpredictable on its best days. And he refused to wade through a balcony filled with dust bunnies again.

Heinz sprayed the table with a cleaning solution, swiping a rag through the liquid. He held his turtleneck over his nose so he didn’t breathe in the harsh ammonia scent.

He had to keep moving. It was better than just sitting on the couch and wallowing. Especially when the rest of the city was so cheery with their carols and horse-drawn carriages and chiming bells.

It wasn’t that he hated it, per se.

He just didn’t care.

And there were more important things to do. For instance, making his little girl happy and trying to establish himself as enough of a threat to warrant a nemesis.

Speaking of his little girl, Charlene should’ve dropped her off by now. Heinz glanced at the clock. How could it already be five with no sign of them yet? He forced himself to breathe and relax before dialing Charlene’s cell number.

“C’mon pick up, pick up,” Heinz muttered as the phone continued to ring. “Why isn’t she picking up?”

“Hello, Heinz. Vanessa and I are just heading out the door. We’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” Charlene said smoothly, as if she didn’t care about punctuality.

Heinz sighed. “You’re an hour late.”

“I’m not,” Charlene sounded offended. Heinz could just picture that familiar eye roll. Vanessa had taken to doing the same thing recently. Must’ve gotten it from her mom. “Did you forget Daylight Savings ended last month?”

“What does Daylight Savings have to do with anything?” Heinz grumbled. But he glanced at the time displayed on the DVD player, then over to the analog clock on the wall. Sure enough, the DVD player held the correct time. Heinz pinched the bridge of his nose in embarrassment. “Sorry, you’re right. I never remember to change the analog. Didn’t mean to get all…accusatory there.”

There was a soft snort on the other end. “Apology accepted. You want to talk to Vanessa? I can’t be on the phone and drive at the same time.”

Heinz could feel his mood brighten considerably. “That would be great.”

“Here, Vanessa. Talk to Dad,” Charlene said. Vanessa said something in the background that Heinz couldn’t make out. “Just say hi.”

“Hi,” a quiet voice muttered.

“Hi, sweetie! Are you ready for the weekend?” Heinz asked.

Silence.

“I’ve got hot chocolate and a box of candy canes here. You like that stuff, right?” he pressed.

“Mm-hm.”

Vanessa loved chocolate. It was her version of almond brittle. He knew she wouldn’t be able to resist a mug of her favorite drink, especially now that a cold front had blown into Danville. While it wasn’t unusual that she was quiet on the phone, he thought she’d at least perk up over that.

Heinz decided to try one more time. Maybe he could get a general idea of what was happening. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine,” Vanessa said, though she didn’t sound like it. “See you in a few minutes.”

She hung up.

Heinz could only stare at the phone in disbelief, wondering if the current custody agreement had something to do with him raising a teenager in a seven-year old’s body.

* * *

“Hot chocolate mix, mugs, marshmallows, candy canes, and the milk is in the fridge,” Heinz reviewed, racking his brain for any items he might’ve missed. “Instant Hot Cocoa-inator. I should remember that for next year. And it’ll be nothing like the Instant Hot Coffee-inator. I think I still have blisters from that one.”

The mug didn’t reply.

“I have got to stop talking to myself like this,” he muttered. The doorbell rang, and Heinz grinned at the items on the counter. “And I’ll be right back, you guys are gonna cheer my baby girl up in a bit, okay?”

He rushed to the door, pausing briefly to remind himself that he shouldn’t fling the door open and embrace Vanessa right there. The week had gone by slower than Heinz would’ve liked. It had been way too long since he last saw her.

Both Charlene and Vanessa would say it’s only been two weeks, but that was still a long time.

After inhaling deeply to calm himself, Heinz opened the door.

The first thing he noticed was how heavily the two were bundled up. Scarves, coats, boots, and pretty much the entire winter deal. It must’ve been colder than he thought.

Charlene cleared her throat. “Well, hope you two have fun.”

“Hi, Dad,” Vanessa said. She busied herself by removing her gloves. A black backpack was slung over her shoulders.  

“Hey, go put your things away and come to the kitchen,” Heinz said. “I’m making both of us hot chocolate. Looks like you could use it.”

 _For more reasons than just the cold,_  he added silently as he watched her shuffle off to her room.

Once Vanessa was out of earshot, Charlene sighed. “Maybe you’ll have better luck with her. I think something happened at school this week, but she’s not handing over any details.”

“She isn’t being bullied, is she?” Heinz’s mouth tasted like sand, his memories of Big Black Boots Boris resurfacing briefly before he pushed that bully to the back of his mind (part of him was itching to make a scheme out of that).

“I’d have to call her teacher for a conference as soon as possible if that were the case. There’s a week and a half left before Winter Break,” Charlene mused, shooting Heinz a pointed look that clearly said she’d be handling the teacher portion if it came to that.

Heinz balked, but he knew she had a point. He’d gotten tossed out of the last Meet the Teacher night, and the school probably wouldn’t want him back on their property any time soon.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Heinz finally said. “No promises though.”

“You’ve gotten through to her before,” Charlene said. “I’m sure this time will be no different. Anyway, I’d better go. Those holiday cards aren’t going to write themselves. Be back on Sunday evening!”

“We’ve done this routine for two years!” Heinz called after her as she walked back to the elevator, annoyed that she thought he needed the reminder. “I already know it!”

He closed the door, mentally counting to ten to get his irritation out.

Vanessa was taking her time, he’d noticed. Heinz was about to knock on her bedroom door to check on her, but he knew she didn’t like being rushed. He decided to microwave the milk first and only check if she hadn’t come out by the time both mugs finished.

It was funny how time worked. Sometimes days passed in the blink of an eye, while others would drag on until the dull clicks of a clock would drive any sane person mad. It seemed like yesterday that Vanessa had learned to crawl and would stubbornly insist on following him everywhere. It was the first time Heinz had noticed just how unsafe the makeshift lab he’d set up in the basement could be. He didn’t want to find out if Vanessa had inherited his resistance to random things exploding.

Then the divorce happened.

Heinz and Charlene didn’t see eye to eye on many things. But they both agreed that Vanessa shouldn’t be denied a relationship with one parent.

Things worked out. Though the first few weekend visits had been awkward, Vanessa adjusted remarkably well. In fact, Heinz thought she adjusted better than he had.

“Dad, you’re being weird again,” a voice cut in.

Heinz blinked, realizing that he’d been staring down at two steaming mugs of milk. Vanessa must’ve come in while he’d been lost in his thoughts.

 _Wallowing_ , to be exact.

It was a habit he really needed to break.

Vanessa tossed a math workbook onto the table, rushing up to the counter to get a good look at the ingredients Heinz had set out.

“I don’t have whipped cream, but we’ll be fine without it,” Heinz said. “How many marshmallows do you want?”

“I can do it myself,” Vanessa declared, ripping open the hot chocolate mix and dumping it into her mug.

“How’s school going?” Heinz asked as he added the mix to his own cup. Vanessa was too focused on getting the last of the powder out to respond. “Just trying to make conversation.”

She glanced at the box of candy canes before slowly pushing it away.

“Not a fan?” he guessed. “Or is it the whole no candy before dinner thing? Cause you can have one. What your mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

Vanessa shook her head. “There’s a girl in Ms. Hanson’s class who looks like a candy cane. She wears red and white and she’s always carrying this huge stuffed Ducky Momo.”

It was the first time she’d spoken more a few sentences since arriving. Heinz couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. Then he saw Vanessa shooting a reproachful glare at him, and he figured that he wasn’t supposed to be smiling at whatever she was going to say. He took a sip of his drink as he focused on getting his mouth back to a neutral position.

“Is this girl being mean to you?” Heinz asked. The words were out of his mouth before he knew it. He couldn’t help but assume the worst. Or think up a whole bunch of complicated schemes that would nip this bullying thing in the bud before Vanessa was hurt.

Bullies would leave their mark forever.

He knew that all too well.

Vanessa added two marshmallows to her hot chocolate and carried it back to the table. “She’s not mean,” she said, resting her elbow on the table as she stirred her hot chocolate. “We talk sometimes. We were sitting at lunch together today.”

Heinz was just relieved that bullying didn’t seem to be the issue. “And what happened?”

“We talked,” Vanessa said. “She said her mom was remarrying and she was getting a new brother. Then I asked who her mom was married to before. And she said she didn’t remember his name, but he was gone. Then she grabbed her Ducky Momo and left.”

Suddenly the hot chocolate didn’t seem so appetizing anymore.

There was always the possibility of Charlene remarrying some stranger. She was financially stable and down to earth. But he couldn’t fathom Vanessa calling someone else ‘Dad.’ That honor belonged to him alone and there was no force in the world that could make him surrender it.

“And why you’re upset has something to do with this?” he asked, uncertain as to where this story was heading.

“I think I made her mad,” Vanessa said quietly. She breathed on her hot chocolate, creating small ripples along the surface. “Did I say something wrong?”

“You didn’t,” Heinz replied. He didn’t know all the details. Vanessa might’ve left something out. But it didn’t seem like a possibility. And he didn’t want her to imitate his self-blaming habit. “What did you mean by ‘he was gone’?”

Vanessa shrugged. “Gone.”

Which could mean a lot of things, but it was clear she didn’t know. Heinz decided to drop that part.

“You could say sorry if you’re worried about her being mad,” Heinz suggested.

“Okay,” Vanessa said, for once not arguing with him. She was biting her lip. There was something else on her mind.

Against his better judgment, Heinz decided to pry. “Are you thinking about anything else?”

“Are you going to be gone too?”

English words with multiple meanings were quickly rising to the top of his To Destroy list.

“I…I don’t understand,” Heinz sputtered, almost choking on a marshmallow. He seriously needed to brush up on what parenting books said about discussing heavy topics. “Gone as in left or gone as in… permanently gone?”

He couldn’t say  _dead_.

And he wasn’t sure which option was worse.

“Both,” Vanessa said. She was giving him an odd look.

This was how the girl Vanessa had talked to must’ve felt. Heinz couldn’t blame her for stomping off if Vanessa’s questions made her uncomfortable. He was tempted to do the same thing.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Heinz said firmly as he dumped the empty mugs in the sink. It was taking all his effort to sound calm. “And I don’t have anywhere else I need to be. Just do your homework and I’ll cook dinner.”

Vanessa didn’t argue. She flipped to her assignment and got right to work. 


	2. Mirrors and Commercials

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The period that happens between Heinz’s divorce and pre-Perry is pretty intriguing to me. He was just starting his evil career (which was most likely at a stalemate before Perry). He only had Vanessa on alternating weekends, yet remained heavily involved in her life. On top of this, he was struggling with mental and emotional issues and doesn’t have his outlet yet. Heinz is an inspiration.

Dinner had been too silent. Vanessa had rolled her peas around her plate instead of eating them. She never had issues clearing her plate before, but a sizable chunk of sausage had found its way into the trash. Heinz glared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. It glared back at him.

He clutched the edge of the counter with both hands, wishing the material would shatter under his grip.

Heinz hadn’t meant to snap at Vanessa. Her question was innocent. She didn’t know the things she was implying. It wasn’t her fault.

 _“You’re terrible at this reassuring business,”_ the reflection scoffed.

“No need to remind me,” Heinz muttered.

_“It was a yes-no question. And you manage to muck that up.”_

“That wasn’t a yes-no question! How do you expect me to answer something like that out of the blue? She thought I’d abandon her just like-“

His breath hitched in his throat.

 _“Just like your own father abandoned you,”_ the reflection sneered. _“You always make everything circle back to your parents. Pathetic. Easy to see why they’d do it too. No useful skills other than being a lawn gnome. Ugly. Needy. Weak.”_

“I’m not,” Heinz muttered petulantly.

_“Deny it all you want. Doesn’t change that it’s true.”_

“Go away.”

_“I’m part of you. That’s impossible.”_

Heinz stormed out of the bathroom, knowing that he was just giving ammunition to his mirror self. It had taken all his resolve to not continue the argument, and he didn’t want Vanessa to discover that he regularly talked to a reflection.

He slumped onto the carpet next to his bed.

Now that he’d burned himself out, a familiar ache in his chest remained. It was the same one that occurred every other Monday when he realized he was alone again.

Machines could only keep him company for so long.

Heinz closed his eyes, recalling that strange onslaught of emotions he felt when Vanessa was born. Happiness and sorrow. Excitement and terror. Confidence and self-doubt. He’d never experienced all those things together before, nor would he ever experience them together again.

Then she’d grown up, passing milestone after milestone until Heinz thought he would burst with pride at how amazing and perfect Vanessa was. And he received plenty of scares as well. He’d been terrified when he and Charlene rushed to the ER when she ran a fever above 102, and he’d gone through at least a hundred outcomes while they waited for a doctor. The possibilities started out as plausible but grew more outlandish the longer they waited. 

She recovered with no lasting effects, and Heinz had never been more thankful in his life.

The sound of a foghorn in the distance brought him out of his trip down memory lane. It was 7:19 pm. He’d been in his room for half an hour.

Which meant that Vanessa had spent nearly her entire evening believing her dad was angry at her.

“All you gotta do is apologize,” Heinz whispered to himself, one hand on the doorknob. There was something in his brain telling him that it could wait until morning, but Heinz brushed it away. He needed to do it now. Vanessa wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep otherwise. “Didn’t you tell her to say sorry to that other girl a few hours ago? Take your own advice, Heinz.”

He found Vanessa on the couch, wrapped in a blanket as she watched an animal documentary on TV. Her eyes flickered over to him in surprise. “Learn anything good?” Heinz asked, settling on the cushion next to her.

“Echidnas lay eggs,” Vanessa replied, watching the screen intently as a CGI model of echidna anatomy was displayed. “And they’re monotremes.”

“Monotremes are weird. Are they birds or mammals? Guess nature can’t make up its mind,” Heinz shrugged.

“I’m trying to watch,” Vanessa said, turning up the volume.

Heinz found the program a welcome distraction from his thoughts, and they both soaked up as much information as they could about the echidna’s diet.

_“-visiting the Sydney Wildlife Preserve after the break!”_

Of course, it would cut to commercial when he was hooked. But he needed to take the opportunity.

He grabbed the remote, muting the TV when a car advertisement popped up.

“Hey, sometimes things tumble out that I don’t really mean. At least, I don’t think I mean them but the other person thinks I do and it leads to an entire mess that goes on for how long and-“ his foot thumped against the couch in frustration.

_Just say it already!_

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” Heinz snapped.

Realizing that Vanessa’s expression was a mixture of confusion and fear, and how she didn’t know he was reacting to a voice in his head, Heinz sighed and counted to three before he spoke again.

“I was never mad at you, sweetie. You caught me by surprise,” he admitted. “Didn’t mean to make you think that way.”

Vanessa drew closer, resting her head on his leg. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”

He hadn’t said it yet and she already forgave him? She was seven though. Did grudge-developing traits appear later or something?

“Sorry,” Heinz said.

She scowled up at him. “Didn’t you hear me? I said I forgive you.”

Unable to resist teasing her, Heinz smirked. “I think I might be going a little deaf.”

“Daaad!” she complained.

Heinz laughed at her childish pout. She tried maintaining it for a few seconds, but it soon gave way to giggling. Then her eyes landed on the TV screen. She clambered over his leg for the remote, Heinz wincing as her hand dug into his skin.

Vanessa unmuted the TV, and a saccharine pop tune played. On-screen, two girls strapped their dolls in a stroller and walked around the house. She paid rapt attention, her mouth open in amazement. She’d never been this interested in dolls before. She usually gravitated to coloring utensils. She liked hogging the darker colors for herself while leaving him with the lighter ones that barely showed up on white paper.

Heinz suspected she did it on purpose.  

_“Search for the perfect doll, Mary McGuffin! Now available at a store near you!”_

“See, Dad? Can you buy me that doll please?” Vanessa begged. Her eyes were wide and pleading. “You’ll be the world’s greatest dad if you do!”

“World’s greatest dad?” Heinz echoed, knowing he didn’t deserve the title even if he did buy the doll. Yet his ego preened at the idea.

He’d already made so many mistakes raising Vanessa, and she wasn’t ten yet! Sometimes he had trouble recognizing her if she wasn’t wearing black or another dark color, and too often he thought she was hurt when she wasn’t actually hurt.

Some father he was.

But Vanessa thought he deserved it. She believed he could do it. And all it took was a little doll.

“How about we go to the mall tomorrow and look for this…Terry McGuffin?” Heinz suggested.

“Okay! And it’s Mary McGuffin,” Vanessa corrected. Her smile didn’t fade though.

That had to be proof he was doing something right.

When Vanessa’s attention returned to the echidna documentary, Heinz used his phone to look for an image of the Mary McGuffin doll so he had something for reference. There were a ton of dolls out on the market and they all looked the same to him. There wasn’t anything that made Mary McGuffin stand out.

Blonde hair, green dress, cutesy appearance. Fairly standard.

He scrolled down further, and the pictures changed from promotional material to screenshots of news bulletins.

**FIGHT IN SEATTLE OVER MARY MCGUFFIN DOLL: TWO INJURED**

**DANGEROUS HOLIDAY SEASON! HOTTEST DOLL SPARKS CRAZE**

**TOY STORE WORKER HOSPITALIZED AFTER BEING TRAMPLED AT OPENING**

Vanessa was too engrossed in the documentary to notice what he was reading. Heinz set his phone down, a sinking feeling in his stomach.

This could go well and he’d be the World’s Greatest Dad, or this could go horribly wrong and he’d be the World’s Greatest Blunder of a Dad.

But for Vanessa’s sake, he had to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ferb mentions the fighting over Mary McGuffin caused it to get pulled from market, so I thought it would be fun to include a little of that here. In the US (I don’t know what happens in other countries), typically around Black Friday up through Christmas, the media bombards us with headlines about how some people get injured cause of toys, towels, TVs, or any other product you can name. Sometimes they get hospitalized, others get arrested. On rare occasions, people get killed.  
> Be nice to your retail workers and don’t do this.  
> Before Perry, Heinz probably talked to his reflection a lot. Or the empty air. Or inanimate objects. Also does the thing where you fill in the other side of the conversation too


	3. Malls and Dolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This counts as my holiday story for the year.

Vanessa was an impatient bundle of energy. Her snow boots thumped against the seat as Heinz drove into the parking garage. He made sure to pay close attention to the road, because he didn’t want an accident preventing him from becoming the World’s Greatest Dad. 

“That van’s leaving, Dad!” Vanessa pointed to a black van that was backing out of a handicapped space. 

It was tempting, but Heinz was evil. Not inconsiderate. And like any other driver, he preferred not being towed and fined. Charlene would never let him hear the end of it. 

“Not that one, sweetie. We gotta keep looking,” Heinz said, another evil idea taking root in his head. A Parked Car Away-inator would be extremely useful in the future. Or maybe just one that specifically targeted monster trucks. 

Oversized wheels screamed ‘look at me, I’m a jerk and can run you off the road when I feel like it’ anyway. 

Vanessa pouted, resting her hand on her cheek. Heinz was losing patience at finding a parking space too, though he hoped Vanessa wouldn’t pick up on it. He wanted to be her role model, and role models didn’t gripe and complain about how busy the parking garage was during the holiday season. 

He was certain he’d already set numerous bad examples for her. Which made it all the more important for this day to go smoothly. 

Park car, enter mall, find toy store, buy doll, make Vanessa happy, gain title of World’s Greatest Dad in less than ten steps. 

The epitome of easier said than done, really. 

It took fifteen minutes for Heinz to find an empty space that wasn’t handicapped, limited time, or blocked by inconsiderate shoppers who couldn’t park within the lines. Unfortunately, the empty space was on the last floor of the parking garage, which exposed them to the bitter cold. 

Given his usual luck, Heinz would probably have to dig the car out from a layer of ice and snow.

“Got your gloves?” he asked. 

“Yes.” 

“Scarf?” 

“Yes!” 

“Hat?” 

“I’m dressed! Can we go already?” Vanessa demanded, throwing open the car door with enough force that it almost crashed into the neighboring vehicle. The cold swept in, and Heinz quickly pulled on his gloves. 

Heinz double-checked his coat pocket, taking special care to ensure that his wallet and car keys were in there. When was the last time he’d been this careful with his belongings anyway? 

Once the car was locked up, they headed toward the elevator. Vanessa complained about Heinz holding her hand the entire way, but he wasn’t risking her slipping on the ice. 

The elevator took its sweet time. Vanessa folded her arms, either from cold, frustration, or a combination of both. She leaned against Heinz’s legs as if trying to leech off some of his body heat. 

His body type prevented her from getting that, however. 

“So does Carrie McGuffin come in more colors or is it just one style only?” Heinz asked, trying to make conversation. Anything to distract them from the cold. 

“You like saying her name wrong,” Vanessa said. 

Heinz shrugged. “Eh, Jerry, Perry, Aries, there’s a lot of rhyming names out there. Hard to keep track.” 

The elevator finally pinged, Vanessa perking up at the sound of the bell. The doors slid open, and Heinz had to grab Vanessa to prevent her from being run over by a woman with a trolley full of Christmas packages.

“Keep your kid out of the way,” she snapped, storming to her car in a huff.

Heinz glared at her. “You know, when I take over the Tri-State Area, your house and livelihood are the first things I’m destroying.” 

“Dad, you better hurry!” Vanessa shouted. 

Heinz managed to squeeze into the elevator before the doors shut, still thinking up various ways to rain down vengeance upon that woman for almost running over Vanessa. 

“How come you’re always saying that stuff?” Vanessa asked, finally breaking the silence. The elevator was moving slower than Heinz would’ve liked. 

“Saying what stuff?” 

“The Tri-State Area. I don’t think you could be mayor.” 

 _Great vote of confidence there_ , Heinz thought. 

“When I do take over, you can be heiress. A Doofenshmirtz Dynasty sounds pretty appealing, don’t you think?” 

Vanessa shrugged. “Don’t know. Can I still have my friends?” 

“Depends. I’ll have to make sure none of them are interested in dating you first,” Heinz admitted. His own romantic history was lackluster at best and a flaming trainwreck at worst. Vanessa was actually much better at maintaining friendships than he’d ever been, but that just made him more worried that someone would emotionally harm her.

While there was no risk of getting hurt if you didn’t get close to someone, it wasn’t the kind of thing he felt comfortable teaching Vanessa.

Heinz breathed a sigh of relief when they finally made it to the ground floor of the parking garage. He didn’t fully understand why he wanted the Tri-State Area so badly, and he always came up empty when he tried to articulate his reasoning. 

Vanessa would be more concerned about finding her doll. 

Heinz held her hand, keeping her close so he didn’t lose her in the crowd of holiday shoppers. He held his breath through the perfume department, guiding Vanessa past the giggling packs of women and men who were struggling to decipher the various brands. 

Vanessa coughed, waving the air in front of her face once they were safe from the onslaught of aromas. “Where’s the exit?” she asked. 

“We’ll find it, don’t worry,” Heinz said. “Hopefully the rest of the mall doesn’t smell like ant pheromones and pollen.” 

“Do you know what ant pheromones smell like?” Vanessa asked. 

“No, no I don’t. Why would I know something like that?” Heinz said hastily. Thankfully, he could make out the entrance to the interior mall from his vantage point. “We’re almost there! Let’s go before they sell out!” 

Vanessa scrutinized him as they headed for the directory. “You’re lying.” 

Heinz coughed. “I’m not lying! When have I ever lied to you, sweetie?” 

“You told me babies came from a magical doonkleberry patch.” 

“You were five and you randomly sprung that question on me,” Heinz argued, figuring that now would be a good time to change the subject. “Anyway, where do you wanna head first?” 

* * *

 

Five stores. They’d gone through five different toy stores and found nothing. Dozens of children were proudly displaying their brand new stuffed animals, video games, and toy vehicles. 

Yet Vanessa was empty-handed. 

And the World’s Greatest Dad title was slipping beyond his reach. 

“There’s plenty of other dolls out there,” Heinz said. “I can get you one of those. What about the one that comes with the brushable horses? Seems like it would be popular enough.” 

Vanessa crossed her arms. “I don’t want brushable horses.” 

Heinz scanned the directory again, trying to remember which stores they’d already checked. “Just a suggestion. You can think about it. Okay, we aren’t going back to the one with the talking hyena mascot. That’s for sure.”

That toy store had the worst selection Heinz had ever seen in his life. Even Drusselsteinian toy stores had more variety. And those only sold branches and mushrooms!

Dolly’s Dollhouse didn’t carry Mary McGuffin either. Which was strange, considering ‘doll’ was in their name twice. It was a very blatant case of false advertising. 

The third store was more video game-oriented, and the last two catered to the young boy crowd. 

As he debated cutting his losses and accepting that he’d never be the World’s Greatest Dad, Vanessa pointed to the name of a store. 

“Unlimited Two?” Heinz said in confusion. “That’s a toy store?”

Vanessa nodded. “A lot of girls in my school have Unlimited Two clothes. And they sell toys.” 

Just what he needed. A brand name store. That’s what he deserved for not paying attention to the trends among today’s youth. 

But it wouldn’t hurt to look, right?

“Dad, let’s go! It’s gotta be in that one!” Vanessa exclaimed. 

According to the map, Unlimited Two was located on the other side of the mall. His legs were going to be really sore in the morning from all this walking and banging into oversized shopping bags. 

Vanessa’s energy returned, and she was trying to run off with renewed vigor. But Heinz kept a tight hold of her hand. He didn’t want to lose her in the crowd. 

The headlines he’d read yesterday flashed through his mind, and that made it all the more important for Heinz to not lose her. He didn’t want Vanessa making front page news because some wacko wanted a doll too.

“Almond brittle! Limited holiday edition!” someone called. 

Unable to resist, Heinz walked over to the booth. 

The vendor’s smile looked absolutely forced, probably due to the strain of the season. “Buy a box and sign up for our online membership! Ten dollars to join and we’ll send you coupons for our products via email.” 

Her intonation was seriously creeping him out, so he quickly paid for two boxes of almond brittle and got out of there before she could ask him to do anything else. 

“What a creep,” Heinz muttered. “I couldn’t resist almond brittle. Best snack of all time. You should try it sometime. Come on, Vanessa. Let’s go find that Ari McGuffin.” 

No response. 

“Vanessa, I know you’re probably mad at me for making that detour but it’s not gonna happen again. I promise,” Heinz said. 

“Who’s that man talking to, Mommy?” 

“Walk away, Johnny. Walk away. We don’t speak to crazy pharmacists.” 

“I’m an evil scientist, lady!” Heinz yelled at their retreating backs. “Get your occupations straight!” 

Heinz cursed his poor impulse control when it came to almond brittle. 

Vanessa was nowhere in sight. She must’ve run off when he was distracted by the vendor. Running a hand through his hair, Heinz took deep, shuddering breaths. 

She could be anywhere. Even outside the mall. This place was a labyrinth! 

“No, this can’t be happening. Okay, it is happening. Vanessa’s on her own cause you just had to buy some almond brittle. I can’t help it. I like almond brittle. Yeah. Okay? Okay,” Heinz murmured, drawing more curious stares from passersby. “Focus, Heinz. You lost your daughter, you get her back. What are you gonna tell Charlene if she finds out? Um, hi. Yes, I lost our daughter because we were looking for a doll and I got distracted by some almond brittle. By the way, could you start calling hospitals in the Tri-State Area to make sure Vanessa wasn’t admitted to them?” 

Heinz slumped onto a bench to catch his breath, tearing a nearby pamphlet to shreds to get his frustration out. Before he could rip apart the next strip, a pair of words caught his eye. 

_Unlimited Two._

He was holding a map of the mall layout! That was it! That’s where they were going!

Heinz broke into a sprint, dodging strollers and not caring if mall security was going to be on his tail for this.

The bright neon letters of Unlimited Two were in sight. It felt like an eternity, but he made it. 

Forcing himself to slow down, Heinz took a deep breath. The sections closest to the front were clothes and hair accessories, all of which seemed too colorful and bright. He spotted a shelf full of large stuffed animals in the back, and figured that would be his best chance. 

He rounded the corner, breathing a sigh of relief. Vanessa was here. 

She was safe. 

“Vanessa! What were you thinking?” Heinz scolded, reminding himself to choose his words carefully so she didn’t run off again. “You could’ve gotten hurt, or kidnapped, or something else! You know better than to pull something like this! What would your mother-” 

Vanessa wasn’t defending herself. Strands of brunette hair were plastered to her face. Heinz cut off his tirade, deciding to save it for later. Heinz gently brushed her hair out of her eyes. 

When he pulled away, his gloves were slightly wet.

Her eyes were tinged red. 

She was crying. 

Wordlessly, Vanessa pointed to the display in front of them. 

_Mary McGuffin! The Lovin’ ‘n Laughin’ Muffin! $13.99!_

But the display was empty. 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlimited Two is just my parody of Justice, or Limited Too as they used to be called. I got a few Webkinz from that place. It’s one of those interior mall stores. The stuff there is mostly for young girls. Kinda expensive too. 
> 
> I like making them suffer. I’m not sorry.


	4. Dads and Daughters

“Are you sure you don’t have any Mary McGuffin dolls in the back?” Heinz asked the harried clerk, who was trying to gift wrap an action figure at breakneck speed. Vanessa clung to his leg, refusing to let go. Heinz let her stay there. 

If it made her feel better, so be it. 

The clerk glared at him. “No! For the last time, we ran out! Either buy some other doll or get out!” 

“Yeesh. Great customer service ya got there, lady,” Heinz snapped, making a mental note to add mall employees to his steadily growing list of people to get revenge on. “Is it really that hard to call someone to check for you?” 

“Keep it up and I’ll call security to check you outta the mall!” 

“That’s it. We’re leaving,” Heinz scowled, leading Vanessa to the exit. She didn’t say anything, though Heinz wished she would just ask for another toy. That would’ve made it so much easier. Then he paused at the doorway. “You better remember the name of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, because someday I’ll be your supreme leader!” 

A tiny giggle broke through the sniffles. 

Despite his annoyance, Heinz couldn’t help but smile. “Didn’t catch that,” he told Vanessa. “I think you’ll have to make that noise again.” 

“Dad!” Vanessa whined. Though several tears streamed down her face, she sounded somewhat like herself again. 

“Kidding!” Heinz said. “Clean your face in the restroom and let’s get out. They just keep playing the same five Christmas songs on loop, and it’s driving me insane.” 

Vanessa hurried into the restroom, never missing an opportunity to assert her independence. 

Heinz slumped against the wall, his own childhood disappointment towards a certain toy resurfacing. 

* * *

 

_Rocks, rocks, and more rocks. In some far off land, maybe claw machines would be filled with smiling, colorful animals and delicious candy. He could always dream._

_Pretend the rocks were round candies that tasted of doonkleberries. Pretend that the brown lump was actually a smiling teddy bear that awaited its new owner with outstretched arms and-_

_Wait a minute._

_That was a teddy bear._

_Sure it wasn’t smiling, but it was an honest-to-goodness stuffed animal._

_Heinz stared in disbelief at it, pinching himself to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. There was no way. He couldn’t be that lucky._

_He waited several minutes, but the bear didn’t disappear._

_It had to be real. It just had to be._

_Heinz dug around in his pocket, finally coming up with the 3-cent coin that served as his year’s allowance. He slid it into the machine, heart pounding in trepidation as he moved the claw around the perimeter._

_Feeling a sudden surge in confidence, Heinz moved the claw above the teddy bear._

_He had to get this right. He wouldn’t get another chance._

_After adjusting the claw several times so it would be dead center above the teddy bear’s tummy, he was ready. Biting his lip, Heinz pushed the button._

_The claw descended._

_Heinz leaned against the glass, suddenly not so sure about the angle. Maybe he should’ve put it more to the right?_

_The claw opened and snatched the teddy bear up. Then it moved above the prize slot, relinquishing the bear to Heinz.  
_

_He released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding._

_He’d done it! The bear was his!_

_Heinz pulled the bear out of the slot, relieved that his allowance hadn’t gotten to waste._

_His allowance. Mother had given him that coin._

_It was only fair that she should get the prize, because he never would’ve gotten the bear without those 3 cents!_

_He rushed home, keeping a tight hold on the bear so it didn’t get muddy._

_Mother and Roger were playing kickball in the front yard. For once, Roger’s presence didn’t damper Heinz’s spirits._

_They were floating too high for a little jealousy to reach!_

_“Mother! Mother!” Heinz yelled. “Look what I got from the claw machine! I won it just for you!”_

_Heinz stood on his tiptoes, depositing the bear into her arms._

_Mother smiled._

_Heinz grinned back. She was proud of him, and he didn’t even need to kick a ball correctly! All it took was a stuffed bear!_

_Now he just needed to figure out where to find more!_

_Then Mother gave the bear to Roger._

_“Thank you very much for the gift, Mother,” Roger chirped._

_Heinz became acutely aware of the empty pocket his 3-cent coin used to occupy. He earned that bear._

_With his allowance._

_Not Roger._

_Roger produced a big red marker and scrawled his name on the bear. Mother was so impressed by his penmanship that she asked Roger to write his name on her apron too._

_And Heinz could only watch._

_The next morning, he woke up to an apron being thrown in his face. Mother demanded that he wash it out in the tub._

_And his scribbled message ‘I Love You, From Heinz’ melted away._

* * *

 

“Dad?” 

Heinz jolted, realizing that his vision had blurred while flashbacking to his childhood. 

“Oh, hey!” Heinz exclaimed, quickly ridding himself of the moisture that had built up. “So you’re ready now?” 

Vanessa looked better now. Her face was freshly washed and her nose wasn’t running anymore. “Are you okay?” 

“i’m fine. Nothing to worry about. Feeling better now?” Heinz asked. 

Vanessa frowned. “A little. Are you sure you’re okay?” 

Stubbornness was both a blessing and a curse. Heinz had learned that quickly. 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Heinz said. “C’mon, it’s getting way too stuffy in here and I have a few ideas for evil I’d like to write down before I forget. You’d be surprised how often that happens.” He ushered her out of the mall. Since they both had to concentrate on fighting their way through the hordes of holiday shoppers without getting separated, that left little opportunity for Vanessa to pry further. 

* * *

 

The rest of the weekend passed by too quickly for Heinz’s liking after their unsuccessful trip to the mall. Charlene was picking up Vanessa at six in the evening per the routine. 

Heinz had broken out the Kleptocracy game board in the hopes of getting Vanessa’s mind off the doll. It seemed to work for a while, but Vanessa lost interest after they’d made six rounds across the board. 

“Steal $20 from little Penny Lane’s backpack,” Vanessa read a game card dully. Instead of taking $20 from the bank, she began putting all the game pieces away. “I don’t wanna do this anymore.” 

Heinz waved her off. “Eh, it was getting boring anyway. You pick the next activity.” He gathered all the play money, sorting them into the right piles. It took several minutes to get everything to fit into the close to bursting box. “Ugh, why does the cleanup take forever on this thing? They need automatic folding pieces or a mechanical hand cause people have stuff to do.” 

“I don’t really feel like doing anything,” Vanessa admitted. 

“So, TV then? Maybe there’s a good cartoon on.” Heinz suggested. “You like that Ducky Momo show, right?” 

Vanessa wrinkled her nose. “That’s for babies. How come he can never see a bridge right in front of him?” 

“Who knows? Maybe they don’t have eye doctors in his universe. Or everyone is affected by a complete lack of depth perception.” 

Vanessa giggled at his theory, then her face grew serious again. “Can I try to say sorry by myself to the girl that got mad at me on Monday? I don’t wanna go talk to the teacher with Mom.” 

“Don’t worry. I think she’d be glad you’re practicing conflict resolution or whatever they call it these days,” Heinz said, somehow both happy and sad at Vanessa learning to solve her own issues. He glanced at the time, realizing that it would be time to let Vanessa go soon. “Charlene’s gonna be here any minute. You’d better pack up.” 

Vanessa went to her room to grab her backpack, and Heinz busied himself by putting Kleptocracy away. He really needed to organize the cabinet by the TV. It was overflowing with games that he’d bought for Vanessa with the alimony he received. 

The doorbell rang. 

Part of Heinz was tempted to not open the door, to pretend nobody was home in the hopes of Vanessa staying just a tiny bit longer. She was the only person who made his lonely, drafty penthouse feel like a home. 

But Charlene loved their daughter too. It was a fact of life. 

“So what did you find out?” Charlene asked before Heinz could completely open the door. 

“She accidentally upset a classmate and wants to apologize on Monday. Oh, and she doesn’t want you to call a conference,” Heinz explained. 

“That’s all?” Charlene raised an eyebrow. “Is there something else you’re not telling me?” 

Heinz shrugged. “Look, I’d explain it more in-depth if I could, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around the questions she asked. Besides, I’m totally gonna save the explanation when I have more time to work it into a monologue. This could totally go into a backstory.” 

Charlene rolled her eyes at the mention of evil schemes. Now he knew where Vanessa got that habit from. 

Five minutes later, Vanessa was ready to go. She clutched her backpack’s straps with both gloved hands as Heinz took his time fussing over her jacket. 

“Cover your ears,” Heinz cautioned. “You don’t wanna catch cold. Or dust bunnies. That was possible when I was a kid cause everything was just super dusty all the time.” 

“I’m fine,” Vanessa mumbled. 

Heinz knelt down to her level, drawing her close for a goodbye hug. “See you in two weeks,” he whispered. 

“You’re still gonna be here?” Vanessa asked, her voice tiny. 

“Course I will,” Heinz replied. “Someone’s gotta let you eat candy before dinner around here.” 

Vanessa giggled, and they finally broke apart. 

“Thanks, Dad.” 

Heinz smiled back, figuring that a little reminder for Vanessa couldn’t hurt as she grew up and inevitably forgot her innocent request for a doll. 

* * *

 

Years later, when Heinz discovered a little doll with a green dress and brown curls at a suburban garage sale, he knew he could finally become the World’s Greatest Dad to his little girl. 

**Author's Note:**

> Heinz, you’re a disaster. A lovable disaster but still.
> 
> It’s funny how Vanessa’s story about accidentally making Candace mad/uncomfortable came together because it didn’t start that way when I was planning it. Some things just write themselves, you know?


End file.
